The other day I realized it has been one year since we have seen each other. A year should have been sufficient time for me to deal with the demise of our friendship and attain closure on the matter. I have toyed with the idea for months of writing you a letter to try to reach said closure, but instead of sending it to you in the mail and possibly opening up the door for further discussion I would rather lay it out on my blog instead. You see, this letter isn’t really for you. It is for me.
You and I spent a decade in a friendship together. Most friendships that start out solely on the premise of partying are destined to fail, but for some reason I felt that our friendship was different. In the beginning, we were always in sync. Now I realize it was probably because our main goal was to be shit faced every night of the week. Even though as time passed, that wasn’t our main priority anymore and our attention had been diverted to different things. You were raising your son as a single mother, and fled the small “city” that we both lived in. I am still here. I was raising my daughter with my husband, living the life of a stay at home mother for the most part. You busted your ass and received your Bachelor’s degree, and I was always proud of you for that. Career wise, you have lofty ambitions that so far have seemed to work out the way you have intended. I took classes here and there, when it wasn’t too much of a burden on my family obligations. I realize you really didn’t have a choice if you wanted to provide a good life as a single mother for your son. My next statement will probably make every fellow feminist cringe, but my main concern has been my children and establishing an amazing life with my husband for us all. I left my career in real estate to run my household. That has worked out pretty well for me. My husband does really well financially, and he gave me the option of staying home or working outside of the home. Since I was raised by a single mother as a latch key kid, I chose a different route for MY family.
Through the years I have seriously outgrown the drinking, staying out late, and paying babysitters ridiculous amounts of money to watch my kids. At this point in my life, I am finally happy and really fucking content to be still. An amazing Saturday night for me is a bottle of Pelligrino, a vegan Chipotle burrito, and a couple of movies on Netflix. The first movie is usually a family movie, then we whisk the kid’s to their rooms. The second movie is something R rated, just me and my honey bunny snuggling on the couch with a plethora of dogs lounging around the room. An amazing Saturday night for you continues to be what it has always been, minus the party favors we both indulged in on a regular basis. You put on a cute outfit and head out for a night of vodka and male attention.
Our differences started to become very apparent to me a couple of years ago. You were training in Atlanta for your new position with a federal agency for three months. I came to visit you one weekend. After we had dinner and visited the Cheetah (it is rare for either of us to have met an adult club we didn’t like, but you don’t want anyone to know that side of you), we met up with some of your co-workers for drinks at an Irish bar close to the Westin where you all were staying. We imbibed quite a bit there, then we went across the street to a Karaoke bar and stayed until closing time. We all hung out for a little bit at the hotel having drinks before we all parted ways. It wasn’t long after you and I were back in your room when you decided to leave me alone so you could go hook up with a co-worker. I understand that since you don’t have a husband at your sexual disposal that occasionally you crave a man’s touch. You were there with that guy for three months. Why did you choose the weekend that I came to see you to act on your desires?
Every year I set up a girl’s weekend, where it was usually just you and I. In retrospect, I realize that planning this was my way of insuring that I got some time with you even if it was for just one weekend a year. Fast forward to the last girl’s trip that we took. We went to the Bahamas. I didn’t find it odd that you were awake and in the shower before me, that almost always happens no matter who I am with. I love to sleep in. However, I did find it strange that once you were done getting ready you would jet out of the room and tell me to meet you at the bar or down at Starbucks when I was done. When you are on a trip with someone, it’s a tad rude to do that. Of course, I took my time getting ready each time you did that. I also rolled a fatty and smoked on the balcony, since we are being completely honest here. The incident that really sticks with me the most about this trip is when we went over to Atlantis for the evening. We had a delicious dinner at Nobu, then decided to go dance at Aura. It didn’t take long for some guys to zone in on us. I engaged in polite conversation but quickly let it be known to the guy from Ft. Lauderdale who was hitting on me that I was married, and am fiercely loyal to my husband (as I am to anyone I care about in my life). As you know, I won’t accept a drink from another man (because it is leading them on, IMO) or dance with another man. I don’t do anything that I wouldn’t want my husband to do if he was out without me. As soon as I told the guy this, he switched his attention to you. So, for the rest of the night I stood at the bar alone sipping on club soda with lime or sitting on the couch at the front of the club. The two of you would come sit by me and have a smoke break after every few songs, but I was alone for the most part. It was after this trip that things between us began to crumble rather quickly.
Remember that cat you used to have, Tiger? He had to take medications for his allergies and instead of getting them, or finding him a good home that could deal with his medical issues, you threw him out in the woods in the middle of winter. I could have found a home for him. I was so furious when you got another cat later, that when it didn’t work out with that one I had my mother rescue it. She still has Maggie to this day. I should have known things would not work out between us then. I never trust someone who doesn’t love animals.
In the past year that we have not been friends or on speaking terms, I keep thinking about things that have happened that I wish I would have been more aware of at the time. For instance, you were one of my bridesmaids at my wedding yet planned no kind of shower or anything. You told me you couldn’t afford the dress I chose, so I paid for 2/3 of it for you. You told me you couldn’t pitch in on the limo at my Bachelorette party in Myrtle Beach, but you easily had a collective bar tab higher than that over the course of the weekend. You were very late to my bridal suite the day of my wedding. All of the ladies in my family and my MOH had been hanging out drinking champagne all day. Yes, I know you said your son had pink eye. You called me at 10 am to tell me. You called again at noon to let me know he had been seen at the Dr’s office and you were just waiting on his prescription to be filled. Apparently that is the slowest pharmacy on the planet, because you didn’t show up at the suite until we were walking out the door. I suspect you had a date the night before, or during that day that kept you from your bridesmaids duties on the day of my wedding. You not once showed up for any of my relative’s funerals, not even my Granddad that I was super tight with. Not even knowing that he loved you to death. In fact, I didn’t hear from you for about two weeks after that. You couldn’t even muster a return phone call for weeks when I was having some marital issues. By the time you called, it was over with and we were fine. So, basically I just gave you a recap.
As I said earlier, I chose to write this letter because it was my only path to closure. Last summer you told me you were too busy studying for your CPA exam to hang out. When I offered to come to you, you told me your roommate/sister was too busy with her dental school studies to have company. I left it alone. I still invited you to come here and do things, but you were always too busy. This is around the time I started seeing you tagged on Facebook at the lake here with the guy you were dating. I also know he came to see you in your town, and spent the night at your house. I was surprised because I was told that wasn’t an option. Around this time I became acquainted with a woman that you have never met, but for some reason hate because the two of you share an ex. I asked you if you minded that she and her son come swim at my house, and you told me no. Then you ended up throwing it in my face because it came out that your “boyfriend” was seeing her also. Newsflash-that dude is a total whore. I may be the only female in all of the state he hasn’t hooked up with. Long story short, you threw away a decade long friendship over a literal dick.
I still wasn’t ready to give up on our friendship at this point. I was going to come to your town and meet with you for dinner, hoping we could squash the negativity and go back to being friends. When you told me you would be happy to do so as long as we didn’t have to talk about anything that happened, my response was that if we can’t hash it out then I can’t have closure and there is no moving forward. At some point around this time you sent me old text messages from me that you had saved, trying to prove some kind of point. The only thing you succeeded in by doing so was allowing me the opportunity to revisit history, and let me see how silly I was for trying to maintain our friendship. All of those texts reiterated how I felt, and although you were trying to use them against me to prove your own point all it did was show me how much denial you are in.
What I have come to understand about you is that you look really good on paper, but in real life you are a borderline alcoholic with daddy issues. This translates into sharing your vagina with anyone who seems interested and eventually intimacy issues, which could be why you are only one of two women in my age range that has yet to be married. The other woman is bat shit crazy, and I can see why she isn’t betrothed. But you really want to be, and the reason it hasn’t happened is something much deeper than you are willing to admit to yourself. That being said, I was fine with that. Those are your issues, not mine. I have enough of my own to contend with. What bothers me is that I was very loyal to you, and that was not ever reciprocated. I was a fucking awesome friend to you. You, not so much to me.
Throwing people you care about to the side for the possibility of some dick is something that wasn’t just done to me. You also did it to your sister when y’all went to NYC for a trip. You lavished all of your affection on some random dude, eventually hooking up with him in the bathroom. Meanwhile your sister is sitting there alone. I remember you telling me this story because it took a while for your sister to be cool with you again. If I were you, I would look into these series of events with a fine tooth comb. I would hate for everyone you care about to give up on you, like I have.
I know this letter comes off really harsh, but it is the truth. Some of these occurrences are recent revelations of mine, and I deal with things by writing about it. I know that you quickly replaced me with a new “bestie” who has the same love affair with alcohol as you. At least you have found someone with a common interest. In reality, I owe you a huge thank you. I spent years chasing after you and our friendship, because I felt that without you I didn’t have a BFF, bestie, or whatever you want to call it. I now realize that my BFF has been right in front of my face the entire time, and it is my husband. I hope that one day you can find your happiness, and I don’t mean your Instagram account where you take photos of your Charleston “foodie” escapades. I want you to find that all encompassing love that wraps you up almost to the point of suffocation. I want you to find true meaning in your life. I want you to be truly, deeply, and madly happy with yourself and your life. I will leave you with this. I don’t think you are a bad person. I just know you are no longer the kind of person I want to be friends with. I will always have a special place in my heart for you and your son, and wish you the best of luck.